Absolution
by Bialy
Summary: There are a number of reasons why Light find himself pouring his sins into Matsuda. Light/Matsuda, dark themes. Potentially AU, depending on how you look at it. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note and I don't own this fanfic. Ok, I do. I just don't think I want to o.o

Note: This goes out to Gamecrazy 25, whose fanfic and conversations inspired it and to whom it is dedicated.

In other words, blame her. (not really, she's lovely o.o)

If you end up reading this and asking "OH GOD WHY" I've tried to answer at the end.

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**Absolution**

The main reason Light chose Matsuda is because the man is malleable, and Light finds the feeling addictive, when he can exert pressure and feel spirit and flesh and bone break beneath him.

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_It's dark, too, too dark, and in these shadows things like names and faces become abstract, and in Matsuda's life that awards a measure of safety. But there has never been a darkness that brings no ill, and this is no different - moments pass and there's a body pressed against his, possessive grasps and hitched breath and Matsuda is never _sure_, because it's always too dark, and it couldn't, couldn't possibly be what or who he thought it was, anyway. He's just being stupid._

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The second reason is because he won't ever think the hungry, violent interludes entail anything, and he won't expect anything - so Light won't have to lie through his teeth _again_ about love and fate, here, it's just about the sex, and the control.

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_The first time it happens Matsuda doesn't realise what's going on until, really, it's too late, but he could still have reacted, except he felt that by now he'd practically consented, so what could he object to? He lies in silence, letting himself be pushed and pulled and shaped and changed and he knows better than to say anything or make a sound, and even if he didn't, he soon have learnt._

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The third reason is he is stupid, too stupid to resist and too stupid to tell anyone. But he's also not stupid enough to try anything like agreeing or consenting, because that's not what Light wants from this, not at all.

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_By morning he has managed to turn it into a dream, and like all dreams, it evaporates in the beams of sunlight filtering through the curtains that he forgot to close properly the night before. He makes his way downstairs, fixes coffee for everyone, greets the Chief, Aizawa, Light, and turns on one of the computers. He vaguely remembers the dream but shakes it off - it's too disturbing to dwell on, and they have real nightmares to chase. By noon, he's all but convinced himself that he's forgotten it._

_A few nights later it happens again._

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The fourth reason is because Matsuda is loyal to a fault - and he's turning it into a fault, because Matsuda has already pledged his life to Light, and Light knows the man too well to think he'd take it back.

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_After a while, not even Matsuda can rationalise it, and because he's gone this far without saying anything he keeps on keeping quiet, biting a pillow and never, ever letting himself cry. He's an adult, for God's sake, he's grown up, and grown ups don't cry, not when they fall down, not when they're lonely, not when strange things come in the night and twist and turn the things you know into things you don't. You grin and you bear it, and you stop causing problems for everyone else by expecting them to care._

_He can't rationalise it but he can compartmentalise it, put it in its box and file it away, and it takes so much else with it, but that's easy - it can be filled with frivolity and aimlessness, and he does, he pumps his life full of it until all the gaps are filled and everyone just rolls their eyes and moves __on._

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The fifth reason is that, simply, he likes his body, and it give him an easy (_fun, erotic, convenient_) outlet for all his frustration, all his lusts, all his half-formed hatreds and dwelt-on revenges.

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_When he realises who it is there's a moment of shock, then a moment of horror, then he wants to puke and not stop but that can wait until later, and by the time 'later' has come he's put that in its box, too, and everything has clicked neatly into place. He draws a firm black line between night and day and keeps on filling in the gaps, because if the real world isn't all it's cracked up to be, the one he's piecing together around him can be. And if it drives him to the brink and then keeps going until he tumbles off the edge, Matsuda thinks he might he okay with that._

_Because they can say what they like about Light. Matsuda knows he's not a killer. He knows Light wouldn't do anything wrong - not that, and not this - and it's Matsuda who's wrong, and L, and Near - because there's nothing wrong with Light._

_So Matsuda concludes, neatly and confidently, that it can only be his fault._

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When all is said and done - mostly done - Light finds another reason why he is glad he chose Matsuda. If, in a fleeting moment of uncharacteristic self-doubt, he feels that this is wrong, he feels that anything is doing is wrong, it is Matsuda who wipes his conscience clean. When he thinks Light is gone and cannot hear him, he whispers a prayer - and Light didn't even know the man prayed - muttering a plea for forgiveness of his sins, and instantly, Light is absolved.

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Note: Yeah I don't know. It's Gamecrazy 25, I tell you! Her Light/Matsuda fics unlocked the part of me that thinks this kind of thing is fun to write and yeah now you have this. It's pretty AU and possibly OOC, though I tried to minimise on that. The way I see it, this is one possible (if not likely) thing that could have happened on one of the paths Death Note branched off onto. Maybe. Anyway we see Light being emotionally manipulative and abusive plenty, and I wanted to see him do some physical damage. Because he totally wants to, the prick. (I don't like Light by the way). And he knows he can push Matsuda any way he wants.

I kinda just wanted to try writing some dark stuff. How do you think it went?


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